Reminiscing 2009

2009, truly, was a happening year.

This is a year when I have been questioning my own self over and over again the most in my lifetime! I never been so lack of self confidence.

People who were the most important to me, left me.
Friends that I trusted, betrayed me.
Left me with my own, keep questioning myself where had I done wrong.

A person once told me that "It's hard to become your friend!"
Now that I know what he said is right.
I had been so self-centered. Always thought whatever I did was right. Blamed everything on others. I bad-mouthed about others, looked down on others. And worse, I forced my friends to agree with my opinion, making them have to lie and bear with my bad manner.
Looking at whatever I had that time, I got more than I deserved!

Things started to change since February. The incident truly hit me hard. I never thought of such thing would happen. It was indeed an atomic bomb to me. I lost my best friends. Made the friends around us suffered together. It is truly my fault. If I did not..... Things would have been different. I should feel happy for them, not the other way round.
Nevertheless, I should feel grateful for this incident as well, if things have not happened according to what He has planned for me, I might never learn how to be independent, how to surrender my burden to Him and, love and appreciate my bf more.

Time flew really fast and it was the time when I had to go the other side of the world to further my studies. I was so nervous and scared. However, I trust that He will provide. He provided me Uma and Julius. Even though we were not close during the time in INTEC, at least, I do not need to come to the States alone.

The first few months in the States had been a really tough time for me. I was adapting into this new world, with people not of our race, not of our nationality, not speaking with our mother tongue.
I tried to make friends. For I need friends so badly. So bad that I never thought I would ever have any problems with. Everyday, I went to class alone. Ate alone. Came home alone. I was dealing everything on my own! I felt so helpless. I never felt so lonely.

When I started to have a few friends here, I guessed I would not have to be alone anymore. I could ask them for lunch, for outing, for hanging out together. Just then I found out a secret. A BIG one! The friends that I have actually dislike me.
The guy said something real bad about me. I wanted to ask him about the reason. But I never have the chance. I want to know if he is talking about himself or there are others who dislike me also.
I thought everyone is my friend. What happened really gave me a big hit. I wished there is someone that I can talk to, but there is no one. The real thing is, I don't know who can I trust. I was so sad and disappointed. I really want to know what happened exactly. Why would he say me like that.

It is a thorn in my heart now. That I still don't know who to trust, and who not to. I find myself hard to mix with those people again. Keep feeling that they are not treating me sincerely.
Maybe it is just me being over sensitive. But who knows? I never got the chance to make clear of the incident. I have been questioning myself ever since. Been very careful for what I say, what I do. In front of those people. I still want to be friends with them, but whenever I hang out with them, the incident just struck me again and again, reminding me of what they might be saying behind my back.

The worst is yet to come.

In November, I broke up with him. I would have been lying if I say I have not seen this coming. We have been lacked of topics to talk to even before coming to the States.
But, when it really happened, I just could not believe it. It was so difficult for me to accept the fact. I realized how dependence I have become on him, how much I need him, how important he has become in my life. I thought I would be able to let it go and put it down easily. The thing is, it was never easy to do so.
We will still talk to each other. I will still miss him and thought that he still has the same feeling for me. Maybe we will be together again, it's just the distance that makes us lack in confidence to mend this relationship.

You can see that I am so full of confidence again. But again, I was only making fool of myself. Of course he is not missing me anymore, of course he has moved on, of course he was not referring to me when he said he was lack in confidence to confess his love to that girl.
OMG! I was so naive! I keep making fool of myself. People must be laughing at how stupid I am.

Although these incidents have made me so down and emo for quite some time, I think I am still a lucky person.

I still have a bunch of friends who have been giving me support and words of advices. I really appreciate them a lot. There are friends who borrow me their ears listening to my out-of-tune complain when I was weeping, friends who sent me e-card to cheer me up, friends who sms and called to ask how I have been doing. There are even friends who rarely contact me sms me "out of the blue" to ask me what happened. Maybe they are just being "kepo", I really appreciate talking to them. It does help even though it was a small chat or a few sentences of 嘘寒问暖.

Therefore, looking back at what happened for the past year, I want to take this chance to thank all those friends who have not abandoned me and those who had forgiven me for the bad things that I had done.

I am looking forward for the coming year. Wondering what it would be like.
Hopefully that I can make more new friends.....

And of course, I pray that I will become a better person.