How long can we pretend that nothing happened?

First, I have to admit that I am a selfish and nasty person.
I do not like to share,
I do not like to fake my emotion just to please other people,
I do not like... A lot a lot of things... Which disgust me.....

One of the things that disgust me is that....
People who set me to the type of person I should be...

If you know me, and really understand me, you should know by now that I am a person who do not or to be more exact, cannot hide my inner feeling.
I just do not like to pretend that I am happy when I am not. I do not like to suppress my anger and just to be happy in front of the others. And pretend that I have forgiven someone when I am not. Pretend that I can forget about the incident but it's just not over yet.

But still, I AM STILL PRETENDING.....

Just because of the people around me...

How I wish that I can be at a place now... With strangers who do not know me, do not care about me, and do not care even if I die at the cold roadside, with snow falling on my stiff body....

And I hate people who regard themselves as my best friends but ignored my feeling totally and cheat at me and
I hate people who complained that they are hurt and sad and disappointed and whatsoever when I did not find them when I was down and did not share my secrets with them and only find them when I am happy.

Hey you out there! Have you think about the reason for me not finding you?

Because I know that you will never listen to me. What I mean with listen to me does not mean that you sit down and listen to me. Yes, you did sit and listen to my problem. What I mean here is that you never really trying to understand me. Trying to think the problem from my point of perspective. And I know that you are being too innocent and pampered and will never ever understand my feeling.

So stop complaining that I am very difficult to be understood.

I do not mind you going around and telling people that I have such a big swift in emotion. I know that no one will ever understand what another person is thinking. But, at least, stop going around telling people that I am your best friend and stop feeling so self pity just because I do not find you. Arghh!!! Must I find you to tell you everything? It's pointless. Really.

I just do not feel like telling you. That's all. I am not hating you or whatever. So don't ever try to trigger my anger toward you. You are just making me to dislike you more.

There are people out there who really care and love me... I know.
Especially him.
But still, well, just let me pour out everything now, ok? Just here in my secret garden....

*Ouch! This is such a messy post*